So, here I am...um..I'm not sure what to write about, I haven't blogged in a long time. Current life: working at a lab, working and riding at the ranch, have my own car, will start paying student loans off very soon. I'm strong, I'm healthy, I'm well on my way to becoming the kind of person I admire and want to be. I live where I want, and do what I want. I'm well in control of my own life, except something is missing...

Love...romance...someone to share my life, experiences and adventures with...

I know very well that I am my own worst enemy...there are men who have come into my life who I never gave a chance to. I don't know...I suppose I could say that I follow my intuition very well, but part of me also feels that I have to run the other direction if a guy even looks at me like he might want to ask me out. I have trust issues from past relationships. I don't trust myself, because I have lost interest and hurt them. I don't trust them, because I was cheated on.

There are men who have come into my life whom I trust completely, and I am very happy to be their friend. Friend...friend-zoned by a guy, or did I friend-zone them? I'm terrified of rejection, especially from someone whom I trust and really enjoy their company. And so, I pass up opportunities, out of fear and uncertainty. Looking back I am very angry with myself about it. It's rare that I feel this way about someone, so I have to treat the matter delicately, yet I always screw up.

And recently, I lost another opportunity. I guess...maybe it wasn't meant to be. The timing was off, placing was off, the universe said no. Yet, somehow I have a feeling..hope? that things are going to turn out okay. I just need to have patience.

Above all of this, I do have someone very special indeed, but it's very limited. The both of us are being held back by the chains of what and who we are. Star-crossed, you could call it, or cosmos-crossed. There is nothing we can do about it, and this breaks my heart and his over all. I can't break his heart, I adore him so completely, but I also can't hold myself back for the rest of my life.  Ideally, I would still be able to love him and have his love whilst having a human companion as well, but jealousy is a hideous monster and can rip hearts to shreds without warning.  

Loneliness is a painful, selfish thing, but I can't help myself. I would settle with cuddling on the couch watching a movie, but the idea of that becoming something more is also terrifying.

I do hope nobody reads this...I'm sure I sound like an angsty teenager. XD I just had to vent, these thoughts have been swimming in my head for much longer than is healthy.