Friday, June 29, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
This weekend I had a concert in Butte, the last one of the season. Every concert it seems I make at least one more friend whom I somehow overlooked before. The Butte Symphony has a lot of heart, and I'm so honored to be a part of it! I'm finding that I have a lot more confidence and I'm comfortable with everyone, including the jokester of a classical guitarist that we call conductor. I'm well on my way to matching his quick wit, gwahahaha...
Today I got to see two people whom I haven seen literally in years. Krista, whom I've known for about 12 years now and never get a chance to see, and Jeremy, my old neighbor whom I've known for 20 years. I got coffee with Krista and caught up with her. She seems to be doing very well and is pretty happy with her life as far as I could tell. :) Jeremy seems to be doing well too. He was so amazed at how much I had grown. I did indeed feel all grown up, considering the last time I saw him I was all of 12 years old and about 6" shorter. He was just how I remember him, though...when he was younger I think he was more rough around the edges. Now, perhaps because of wife and kids, he seemed more sensitive. He was so happy and surprised to see us, and it was so good to see him!
Later, we went to see my uncle. I had a surprisingly pleasant conversation with him in regards to personal beliefs, spirituality, and respect. He didn't even mention Christianity or the bible during the entire discussion! We talked about how everybody's journey is their own so nobody has the right to judge when they don't know what it's about. We also discussed hyperawareness and how some people have the natural ability to be more aware than others, and that the spiritual realm will be explained with quantum physics soon enough.
Hm...going about my daily life I'm finding more and more thoughts I want to pour into this blog, but when I sit down and try to write, I can't think of anything. It's like a child sticking their hand in a candy jar and not being able to take it out again because their hand is too full of candy! XD
Today I got to see two people whom I haven seen literally in years. Krista, whom I've known for about 12 years now and never get a chance to see, and Jeremy, my old neighbor whom I've known for 20 years. I got coffee with Krista and caught up with her. She seems to be doing very well and is pretty happy with her life as far as I could tell. :) Jeremy seems to be doing well too. He was so amazed at how much I had grown. I did indeed feel all grown up, considering the last time I saw him I was all of 12 years old and about 6" shorter. He was just how I remember him, though...when he was younger I think he was more rough around the edges. Now, perhaps because of wife and kids, he seemed more sensitive. He was so happy and surprised to see us, and it was so good to see him!
Later, we went to see my uncle. I had a surprisingly pleasant conversation with him in regards to personal beliefs, spirituality, and respect. He didn't even mention Christianity or the bible during the entire discussion! We talked about how everybody's journey is their own so nobody has the right to judge when they don't know what it's about. We also discussed hyperawareness and how some people have the natural ability to be more aware than others, and that the spiritual realm will be explained with quantum physics soon enough.
Hm...going about my daily life I'm finding more and more thoughts I want to pour into this blog, but when I sit down and try to write, I can't think of anything. It's like a child sticking their hand in a candy jar and not being able to take it out again because their hand is too full of candy! XD
Thursday, April 26, 2012
So, here I am...um..I'm not sure what to write about, I haven't blogged in a long time. Current life: working at a lab, working and riding at the ranch, have my own car, will start paying student loans off very soon. I'm strong, I'm healthy, I'm well on my way to becoming the kind of person I admire and want to be. I live where I want, and do what I want. I'm well in control of my own life, except something is missing...
Love...romance...someone to share my life, experiences and adventures with...
I know very well that I am my own worst enemy...there are men who have come into my life who I never gave a chance to. I don't know...I suppose I could say that I follow my intuition very well, but part of me also feels that I have to run the other direction if a guy even looks at me like he might want to ask me out. I have trust issues from past relationships. I don't trust myself, because I have lost interest and hurt them. I don't trust them, because I was cheated on.
There are men who have come into my life whom I trust completely, and I am very happy to be their friend. Friend...friend-zoned by a guy, or did I friend-zone them? I'm terrified of rejection, especially from someone whom I trust and really enjoy their company. And so, I pass up opportunities, out of fear and uncertainty. Looking back I am very angry with myself about it. It's rare that I feel this way about someone, so I have to treat the matter delicately, yet I always screw up.
And recently, I lost another opportunity. I guess...maybe it wasn't meant to be. The timing was off, placing was off, the universe said no. Yet, somehow I have a feeling..hope? that things are going to turn out okay. I just need to have patience.
Above all of this, I do have someone very special indeed, but it's very limited. The both of us are being held back by the chains of what and who we are. Star-crossed, you could call it, or cosmos-crossed. There is nothing we can do about it, and this breaks my heart and his over all. I can't break his heart, I adore him so completely, but I also can't hold myself back for the rest of my life. Ideally, I would still be able to love him and have his love whilst having a human companion as well, but jealousy is a hideous monster and can rip hearts to shreds without warning.
Loneliness is a painful, selfish thing, but I can't help myself. I would settle with cuddling on the couch watching a movie, but the idea of that becoming something more is also terrifying.
I do hope nobody reads this...I'm sure I sound like an angsty teenager. XD I just had to vent, these thoughts have been swimming in my head for much longer than is healthy.
Love...romance...someone to share my life, experiences and adventures with...
I know very well that I am my own worst enemy...there are men who have come into my life who I never gave a chance to. I don't know...I suppose I could say that I follow my intuition very well, but part of me also feels that I have to run the other direction if a guy even looks at me like he might want to ask me out. I have trust issues from past relationships. I don't trust myself, because I have lost interest and hurt them. I don't trust them, because I was cheated on.
There are men who have come into my life whom I trust completely, and I am very happy to be their friend. Friend...friend-zoned by a guy, or did I friend-zone them? I'm terrified of rejection, especially from someone whom I trust and really enjoy their company. And so, I pass up opportunities, out of fear and uncertainty. Looking back I am very angry with myself about it. It's rare that I feel this way about someone, so I have to treat the matter delicately, yet I always screw up.
And recently, I lost another opportunity. I guess...maybe it wasn't meant to be. The timing was off, placing was off, the universe said no. Yet, somehow I have a feeling..hope? that things are going to turn out okay. I just need to have patience.
Above all of this, I do have someone very special indeed, but it's very limited. The both of us are being held back by the chains of what and who we are. Star-crossed, you could call it, or cosmos-crossed. There is nothing we can do about it, and this breaks my heart and his over all. I can't break his heart, I adore him so completely, but I also can't hold myself back for the rest of my life. Ideally, I would still be able to love him and have his love whilst having a human companion as well, but jealousy is a hideous monster and can rip hearts to shreds without warning.
Loneliness is a painful, selfish thing, but I can't help myself. I would settle with cuddling on the couch watching a movie, but the idea of that becoming something more is also terrifying.
I do hope nobody reads this...I'm sure I sound like an angsty teenager. XD I just had to vent, these thoughts have been swimming in my head for much longer than is healthy.
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